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Comfort in Solitude

 

As the sun shines brightly, the birds chirp happily, and everyone seems bright-eyed, and, ready to face the day that awaits them.

Not me thought.

Immediately upon the dreaded alarm clock going off, I pull my down comforter over my head, desperately attempting the alarm clock to grant me just one more moment of solitude. Immediately paralyzed with both fear and doubt, I convince myself these feeling to be only  doubt.  FInally, I got out out of bed, placed my feet on the cold, wood floor.

And them I thought getting married would “fix” me.

Standing on my Dad’s arm, behind the closed Church doors, I broke down, in a near hysterical panic attack. Dad assured me my feelings were normal nerves; that everybody has them. So down the aisle I went.

I remember crying, but not happy tears. Rather scared, anxious, and the feeling that I knew I was making a huge mistake.

After the ceremony I drank myself into believing it was all a dream. Waking up the following morning (hours late for our honeymoon), I was harshly reminded with the true reality that it wasn’t.

The marriage lasted 7 years (although we were separated for 4). During this time I learned a lot about myself. I learned how to be a single, working, mom. I learned how to be in solitary. and not dependent on my husband.Most importanltyly, I learned how to live. Best of all, I met the love of my life whom loves both my son and myself unconditionally.

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