I spent my evening with close friends enjoying sushi and great conversation by the fire while our children played. We discussed everything from our kids, to politics, to the economy, to the upcoming holidays. At one point during conversation the topic of “finding oneself” came up. Typically, this makes me very uncomfortable as I’m not quite sure I’ve actually found myself yet and if we’re being honest, at 33 years old, this “not knowing” embarrasses me greatly. I feel like I should have it all figured out by now.
I have a wonderfully loving and successful husband, a happy and healthy child, a close-knit family, and the best friends anyone could dream of. I’ve been afforded a top-notch education and traveled the country; vacationing and living coast-to-coast and in between. So why can’t I figure myself out?
Why don’t I know exactly what my purpose (outside of being a mother and a wife) is, and why am I not firmly established in a career? Truthfully? I don’t know. I know I’ve held prestigious positions in equally prestigious firms and made a good living while doing so. I just never felt like me. I felt like I was doing “what I was supposed to,” versus “what I was meant to.” But the question lingers; what am I meant to do?
Without a doubt I was meant to become a mother. I have never experienced such love, joy, and fulfillment as I have in being my son’s mother. I’m confident I was meant to be a wife as well. I enjoy having a partner and living a low-key domestic lifestyle. I love that my husband is my best friend and I know my life wouldn’t be complete without him. Yet the question lingers, as my loving and beautiful child continues to grow up and into himself, what happens to me? Where do I go from here?
While I’m not certain that I’ve got it all figured out, I’m sure I’m on the right path. We’ve recently moved to the coast and my soul feels like it has always belonged here; like it’s finally home. We’re lucky enough to live amongst many wonderfully creative people, and for the first time in my life I feel like I can be my true self. I feel like I can answer “I’m a writer,” when asked the both often and inevitable, (I swear this question is written in the mandatory party question pamphlet)!,”what do you do for a living?” It’s taken me nearly all of my 33 years to feel confident enough to answer that question honestly and without shame. Even better, I’m starting to believe it myself!